Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
