all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
