Kiss
Puke
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
