he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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