shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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