i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
