Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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