literally had 100 drinks last night.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Every concussion has its silver lining
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
