You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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