I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
