We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
