Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
