I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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