the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
