We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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