She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
