For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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