If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Oh god it's open bar.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
