I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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