Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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