In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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