I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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