is your mom at the bar?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
