You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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