i would punch a child for taco bell
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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