so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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