At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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