I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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