Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize