I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
