I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
