When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
