Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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