Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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