Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Actions speak louder than pants.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Randomize
