I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
