Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
