Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she pinky promised me she was 18
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Enjoy the penises
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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