I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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