Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize