I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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