A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize