Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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