I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
