My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
