I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
