So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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