hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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