the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
