Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
