we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
