so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
