I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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