I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
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