I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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