I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
