Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I want a musical about memes.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
