I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
